Triptych
by McGee42
Summary: A story of love, lust, and obsession in three parts. AU
1. Nosophorus

**AN**: Many thanks to nowforruin and smexy4smarties for their fab beta skills.

.

This is an AU fic with an OOC Edward. You have been warned.

.

.

.

.

**Triptych: Nosophorus**

.

.

.

This was how the whole mess began.

I was tracking a mountain lion. Alice called it playing with my food, but I needed the challenge. It kept me from metaphorically slitting my wrists out of boredom. At the very least, it was something to do that was mercifully free of that pesky buzz of human that was ever-present when I wasn't deep in the forest.

When everything is effortless, life is boring. Knowing what my family was going to say before they said it, hearing all of the filthy, wretched, depraved thoughts people have. Being too fast, too smooth, too pretty; it was too much. I stopped caring. Why should I? There wasn't anything for me to care about.

My next meal was slinking along the ridge. She was stalking her prey, and I was stalking mine. I had become so engrossed in the lioness that I lost track of where I was. I didn't realize how close I had gotten to the treaty line, or that I was a hair's breadth away from crossing it.

Eyeing the cat, I chanted to her, "So close, just a moment longer and you'll be mine."Suddenly, her ears perked up, her demeanor changed, and she turned to look at figure coming out of the cluster of trees to our left.

As if he was an illusion made from the swirling fog, he appeared from between the tree trunks. I should have caught his presence long before, but my focus had been honed in completely on her.

Yet another reason why hunting was my favorite activity: the world just slipped away while I was preoccupied. I didn't have to hear any nonsense about who loved who, or how their pants fit, or why they were angry, sad, or whatever. It was just her and me-and now him.

I'd never seen him before. He was young—too young—and alone. He crept along the ancient trees, obviously searching for some quarry of his own. His head was held low and his eyes carefully studied the forest floor. I had spent too much time following him, and once I remembered why I was there, she had disappeared into the wet mist that hung in the air like a constant presence.

I could have tried picking up the trail again, but I wasn't really that hungry, and he was much more fascinating. There would always be more blood, but he was new, and that intrigued me.

Without thinking, I stepped forward. A branch broke beneath my feet, and his head snapped up, trying to locate the source. I had already climbed up into the canopy of the fir next to me before I broke his concentration, so he didn't see me. He knew something was nearby though, and I could see the hairs on his tanned forearm standing at attention.

"Who's there?" he called out.

His deep voice echoed throughout the darkened glen. The forest didn't give him an answer and neither did I.

.

IiIiIiI

.

I didn't follow him home that day. I wanted to, and the wanting of anything surprised me; it had been so long since I had felt the desire to do anything besides feed. Instead, I made my way back to the house. I loped through the forest, running an infinite number of possibilities through my mind. Alice couldn't know about him—no one could.

When I reached my destination, it was blessedly silent. They must have still been out. Before I had left, Jasper had felt my hunger and spread it to all of them. He knew my frustration had been building for weeks and gave me this gift of solitude. He was aware of how precious little of it there was for me. I'd have to repay him the favor.

One kind of hunger often led to another, and I knew that I would have the house to myself for the rest of the evening. They were my chosen family, but I often knew way more about them than anyone should about their parents or siblings, adopted as we were. Despite my own lack of sexual experience, I was, against my will, a fount of knowledge about every conceivable position, possible kink, and secret desire.

Emmett would joke about how when I did find my "special lady" she'd be a very lucky woman indeed. I seriously doubted that. No one knew better than I what a miserable asshole I truly was.

Tanya had tried a few times to get me in her bed, but I could tell that her heart wasn't really into it, and that it was more out of sympathy than anything else. How embarrassing that she thought a pity fuck would be what I wanted. No, thank you. I'd rather just rely upon myself, like I had been for decades. No muss, no fuss.

Out of habit, I immediately went up to my room, and started to turn my stereo on. It helped to cover up the unceasing chatter I heard day in and day out. Before I pressed the button, I realized that there was no need. If I could have felt anything at all, it would have been relief. Instead, I felt nothing.

.

IiIiIi

.

Another day, another night, endless. When you're young, you think that you're going to live forever. I did. It's not nearly as great as you think it'll be. You assume you'll have time to do and see everything you ever wanted. You think of time as a gift that you've earned just by the mere fact of existing. It's more like an infinite loop of sameness.

At first, everything was an adventure, but after a century of existence, the days bled together and nothing mattered anymore. There were periods of war, periods of peace, the sun rose and it set, and eventually I ceased to pay attention. It was all going to happen again anyway, just like it had all happened before.

I had spent the evening thinking about him, who he might be, how he got to my part of the forest, and why I was so infuriatingly interested in him. For the first time ever, a human held my attention for longer than a brief moment. Most people bored me. They all thought the same things, made the same decisions over and over. For some reason, he was different. It bothered me that I couldn't name why.

Eventually, they all came home. I could hear them on their way back, so I had to stop obsessing about my mysterious stranger, lest Alice or Jasper sense it. To throw them off, I replayed my hunt in my head, trying to not feel anything outside of the normal blood lust.

It was just enough time to turn on whatever was on my iPod, a thoughtful, yet redundant gift from Esme. I'd heard it all before, so I didn't care what was playing. It just had to be something to drown out the noise.

.

IiIiIiI

.

High school. I hated it. So many voices and all at once. Occasionally, one was vaguely amusing for a short while, but for the most part, they were like small, little yappy dogs—harmless, yet extremely irritating. More than anything, I wished I had stayed home "sick" today, but I knew that it would be one too many absences and just bring unnecessary attention to us, so I didn't bother.

Sometimes, not making decisions at all was the best way to get by. It kept Alice away, so I employed that strategy often. If you didn't want or need anything, it was a wasted effort to choose something. The world lay at my feet, and I didn't want a damned thing in it.

Life was so much simpler when I let things fall as they may. Nothing was my problem, and therefore I wasn't to blame. No responsibility and no complications.

I trudged along to Biology for the umpteenth time. By now, I could teach the class forwards, backwards and in five different languages, one of which was ancient Greek. But why would I? It wasn't like anyone would understand me or care to anyway. Clearly, I've been spending way too much time with teenagers.

For the next fifty-three agonizing minutes, I had to pretend like I didn't know how to identify the stages of cellular growth and be fascinated by whatever misguided lesson plan Banner had for us today. At least I could look forward to not having a lab partner to roll my eyes at.

Goddamnit.

.

IiIiIiI

.

To clear my head, and avoid all of the unasked questions from my family about the new student the whole school was abuzz about, I slipped into the forest alone instead of returning home with them. Maybe I wouldn't come back this time; I wondered if they'd miss me.

Once again, I ended up toeing the Quileute boundary line. Now that I was alone, my mind drifted back to the man-boy I had seen in the forest. His skin was olive-toned and his hair was sleek, dark, and pulled back into a band. He was obviously familiar with the woods and looked like he came from nearby.

Perhaps, if I waited, I could catch a glimpse of him again. I hoisted myself up into a tree. I could be patient. It was easy when time was all you had.

I didn't know how long I stayed there. I zoned out for a while, thinking about nothing in particular, which was a kind of freedom in and of itself. My thoughts were interrupted by a low oath and the sudden explosion of fluttering birds. My ears perked up and I opened my eyes to make out the figures below me in the dim green of the forest. I heard voices.

"Dude, watch where you're going! You walked right into me."

"Maybe if you hadn't stopped in the middle of the path, that wouldn't have happened."

"I thought I smelled something."

"Are you sure it wasn't you?"

"Shut the fuck up, Jake."

After some carefully choreographed missed punches and feints, they went off in the direction of the water. He had a name now, and I knew who, or rather, what he was.

If I believed in a god, I'd think he was fucking with me.

.

IiIiIiI

.

Despite myself, I couldn't stay away. Every night, I'd find myself drawn to that same spot, hoping to see Jake again. Some days I did and others I didn't. I stayed hidden up in the trees, silent like a predator waiting to leap onto its unsuspecting prey.

I anxiously waited and dreaded his appearance. Part of the allure was the forbidden nature of my desire, but the other part, a deeper, more terrifying part, was the pull of Jake himself.

My new-found feelings worried me. I didn't care that he was a man-boy, as I was. I had seen enough of human nature to not be surprised by much anymore. Need was need, regardless of gender or social mores.

No, it wasn't that he was who he was, but that he was _what_ he was, a son in a long line of shape-shifters. He hadn't changed yet but would soon. I could smell the unmistakable whiff of his kind's unique scent on him. I didn't know how I missed that before. It frightened me that it almost didn't matter.

I'd never looked at anyone like this, with—I'd named it now— desire. Hearing everyone's thoughts was about as big a turn-off as body odor, and there was plenty of that too. His I didn't mind so much; it was deep and earthy, reminiscent of the forest. In my cradle of tree branches, I would daydream about what it would be like to bury my nose in his skin.

He was special. That's what everyone says—believe me, I've heard it before— but in this case, it was true. His thoughts were clear and focused. Jake was precise and open. From what I knew of him, he said what he thought; few people actually did that. They all worked so hard to keep their true selves hidden, their disgusting thoughts to themselves. He wasn't like them.

.

IiIiIiI

.

I used to think that I was better than them and the masks that they would wear every day to hide behind. Turns out, I was just the same. I was using her to get to him. I knew that they were reacquainted and that their fathers were lifelong friends. Hell, the beater she drove around smelled like them. The whole situation was only bearable because I couldn't hear her, at all.

Miraculous as that was, I could still only be with her for short bursts of time. I let her think that it was because of the depth of my attraction to her, but the real reason was that I was disgusted with myself and what I'd become.

She was the perfect cover. Her presence explained the lust that was now constantly rolling off me in waves and the fact that my future suddenly became uncertain. When I left the house at night, I let them think that I was at Bella's watching over her while she slept. It wasn't her bedroom where I could be found in the early hours, nor was it her heartbeat that I was listening to.

As each day passed, it became harder and harder for me to step back when his shadow moved too near to mine, to prevent myself from brushing his silken hair out of his face while he slumbered, to keep silent about my secret obsession.

Life was reaching epic levels of complications, and for once, I was the one to blame.

.

IiIiIiI

.

We spent much of the summer together. She had used most of our time trying to get our clothes off. Hers or mine; she wasn't particular. Although I couldn't read her mind, I knew her tells: the flushed cheeks, the glazed eyes, her refusal to look straight at me. I had managed to slip out of her scarily fragile arms each time so far, but she wasn't stupid.

She knew something was going on. Even without supernatural abilities, she was surprisingly observant for a human, or maybe I was just that transparent. I could have tried more to keep her under my thrall, but it just didn't seem fair. I felt badly enough for her as it was.

Alice had become so entwined in the poor girl's life that I began to worry about making my all-too necessary exit. When Bella and I weren't together, Alice was by her side, whispering in her ear and encouraging her seduction attempts. Everyone thought that she was my singer, and I let them. It was easier that way. How did I become so full of deception? I barely recognized myself.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him behind my lids. He wasn't aware of me, but I knew where he went every night, what he dreamt about, and how he moved in his sleep. I was as intimately familiar with his body, voice, and thoughts as he was. I was in way too deep, and I didn't care. I wanted to get even deeper.

.

IiIiIiI

.

I was out hunting again. I knew that I wouldn't be able to hide this secret from my family much longer. I didn't want to stop my nightly pilgrimages, nor did I want anyone else to find out about them. They were on to me though.

Jasper raised his eyebrow at me questioningly when I said I was going out tonight, the fourth time in as many days. I responded like a bratty teen, "What? I'm hungry." Then I left. It took everything for me not to slam the door off of its hinges on my way out.

I really did mean to find something to take my mind off things. Instead I found myself up in a tree—"my" tree, now that I've spent so much time in it—that edged the line. It was dangerous. I'd been in this exact place so many times that I knew which pine needles were on which side of the boundary.

From up here, I could see the entire forest, but most importantly I could see into his room. It wasn't much, just a sliver of light through the tree branches. If I crooked my head just the right way, I could see his sleeping form moving in his bed, the sheets twisting around him until his bronzed torso was revealed. I could hear his thoughts dancing from subject to subject in his dreaming state.

I had thought that if I fed this infatuation that it would eventually get old and I'd move on to something, or someone, else. Maybe I could make myself feel something for the girl. She had a sweet face. But it wasn't sweetness that I longed for or her soft skin that I wanted to touch. I needed hardness, tautness, strength. Her weak body was but a poor substitute.

.

IiIiIiI

.

It was inevitable, and if Alice had been paying any sort of attention at all, she would have seen it coming. I wonder if she thought it would cement Bella's status in our family. The idea of having to spend the rest of my undead existence pretending to love her was enough to set me in motion to save us both.

I now had my perfect excuse to disappear. It was too dangerous for us to be around her, for her, myself and my family. We risked exposure, she risked death, and I risked even more damnation.

My life had become a soap opera, and I was ready to shed it like a superfluous layer of skin. I wasn't ready to leave him, though. The very thought of it made my heart hurt. I didn't think that was possible anymore.

So, I made no choice.

.

IiIiIiI

.

_This is the last time,_ I swore to myself as I swam near his family's property. The water I was treading was dangerous indeed, too close to the edge, just like me.

From my vantage point, I could see straight into the bedroom that barely contained him. How I longed to break him free of his confined space and take him back into the overgrown forest behind his house where he truly fit in. I had imagined doing just that for so long that I had to convince myself that it was just a fantasy and not a memory.

The light was on in his room; it glowed faintly out into the inky night. A faint rustling came from his direction. He was home and awake. I wouldn't have to go searching for him in the woods tonight. I focused my concentration more on him and less on my precarious location in the waves.

His heartbeat came to me from across the salt water. It was progressing faster and faster, and then I recognized the other rhythmic thumping for what it was. I was all too familiar with it myself.

Even in my position, treading water, I felt my dick hardening and pressing against the fly of my pants. I had always denied myself this when "observing" him, as I liked to call it, but having reached the limits of my frustration and desire, I undid the buttons and took my length into my hand.

Images ran through his mind as I stroked myself to the same beat that he created. A flash of anonymous breasts, a glimpse of a creamy thigh, a bare shoulder, the juncture where the neck met her body. I shut my eyes and thought of him, the drop of sweat rolling down his jaw, the curve of his ass, the shell of his ear, the musculature of his chest.

We both began to tense. His quiet moaning became groans that he bit back for fear of being found out. I had no such qualms. I was too far out for anyone to hear me.

Just as he started to pulse in his hand, he thought of her and the name that he whispered was hers.

Unthinkingly I called out, growling, unable to hold back my orgasm. His head snapped to the window, and his eyes locked onto mine. I had floated too close. I had let the waves and my need control me, and I was set adrift without realizing it.

His face widened in understanding and shock. Afraid to move, I watched him as he pulled his clothes on and ran out the door, trying to catch me. I was gone before his feet stepped on the porch. He saw me, he knew who I was, what I had done, and he hated me for it.

The only fucking choice I had made in decades had led me to this.

.

IiIiIiI

.

Alice found me packing after my last encounters with them both. I was headed to South America for a badly needed fresh start. To keep me from leaving, she showed me a vision of Bella, curled up and alone in the forest. She thought that it would change my mind. She was wrong.

Whatever guilt or blame she was trying to make me feel wasn't mine because I had made no real decision. I didn't have a choice. I was trapped.

It was time for me to go.


	2. Lycanthrope

AN: Many thanks to the always fab nowforruin, who tells me that my tenses are out of whack, and my commas make no bloody sense, but likes me anyway.

.

.

.

.

**Triptych: Lycanthrope**

.

.

.

This place gets smaller every day. Sometimes, I could swear it's closing in on me, like I'm growing—or maybe the rez is shrinking. Either way, I'm starting to feel trapped here.

I wish I had the _cajones_ to take off and go somewhere else, but I know I can't do that. Dad needs me too much. I could never leave him alone. Who would take care of him? Not Rachel. And Rebecca is so far away. It's been so long since we've seen her,

I think I would have forgotten what she looks like if Dad hadn't put up that wedding photo of her. He looks at it every day. We really wanted to go to her ceremony, but the plane tickets were too much money. I told him that he could have gone by himself, but he didn't want to leave me for that long.

So, it's just the two of us.

.

IIiiIIiiIIiiII

.

Dad told me he finally sold the truck. Good riddance. That thing had been sitting in the garage for years. I took it out every once in a while to make sure that the battery still worked, but I was tired of seeing it take up valuable space. He had me fix it up for Charlie's daughter. I vaguely remembered her.

.

IIiiIIiiIIiiII

.

This is going to sound crazy, but I felt like someone was following me. Even when I thought I was by myself in the middle of the forest. I couldn't see, hear, or smell anyone but I could feel the back of my neck prickling, like I was being spied on. I didn't like it, at all.

At first, I thought it was just Paul being a jerk and trying to creep me out, but then it happened again when I was out with him. He could sense it too. He's not _that_ good of an actor, so it must have been someone—or something—else. I try not to think about it too much, but it's hard to ignore.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Quil thinks I am. I wish I could just drop it, but I don't think I'm imagining things. Someone is watching me.

.

IIiiIIiiIIiiII

.

I was at the beach with Embry, Quil and Sam. We weren't doing much, just goofing off, the usual. Quil saw a driftwood fire and, like a moth to a flame, wanted to get closer. He's such a sucker for the colors the salted wood throws off. A whole bunch of Forks kids were there, trying to soak up the small sliver of sun that came out that day. They had some food and some tunes, and invited us to hang out with them, so we did.

She was there. I hadn't seen her since I was eight. I didn't remember her being that pretty. We started talking, and she suggested that we take off on our own, like I was ever going to say no to that. When we got to the water, she asked me about the Cullens. Stupid Sam and his big mouth. I thought that she wanted to get to know me better. She just wanted to know more about _him_.

I know she's older than me, but it's not like I'm a kid anymore. A few years isn't _that_ big of a deal. I've been told I'm not ugly. I'm not trying to sound like a whiner, but it sucks when a cute girl asks you questions about another dude. Just saying.

I told her what she wanted to know. I saw that she was itching to go back to her friends, so I shared some of the old stories with her. They're just fairy tales, but they held her attention. I didn't want her to assume that I believed them too, all those mythological beasts and old superstitions, but it was all I could think of to keep her there with me just a bit longer.

She shivered when she realized what they meant, and I wanted more than anything to wrap my arms around her, but I knew it wasn't my arms that she wanted. I let her go.

.

IIiiIIiiIIiiII

.

I've seen her driving around town a few times. It's hard to miss her; the beast is so damn loud. I heard that she and Cullen are dating now. Whatever.

.

IIiiIIiiIIiiII

.

I'm not ashamed of who I am, but sometimes Dad gets a little too crazy with all the Quileute stuff. He thinks the fable about the Cold Ones is true, and that they're really the Cullens. I think he's done too many "spirit walks," if you know what I mean.

He had me drive him to Charlie's today when he found out about Bella and Cullen. No one was home, so we waited in the cold, wet dark until someone showed up. They both came home at the same time. Charlie was happy to see us, Bella not so much. Maybe she would have been happier if it had just been me at her doorstep. A guy can hope.

Then, after all that, he said that we were there because _I_ wanted to see Bella. Not cool, Dad. Not cool at all. He and Charlie disappeared into the den to watch the game, leaving us there in the kitchen to make some awkward conversation.

I leaned against the counter while she made herself and her dad dinner. She had told me at the beach how clumsy she was, and I saw her trip over her own feet on the way back to the bonfire, but watching her move around the kitchen, it was hard to see anything but how smoothly she went from one task to another. It was like I was watching a private show, and she was dancing just for me. I'd never wanted to be a knife so badly before I saw how she sliced those tomatoes.

She remembered that I was fixing up the Rabbit, and asked me about my hunt for car parts. That's a good sign, right? Of course, we moved back into Cullen territory. I don't even know the guy, and I'm already tired of talking about him.

.

IIiiIIiiIIiiII

.

Okay, I'm absolutely positive now that I'm being stalked. There's no way I can be imagining all this, is there?

When I'm at home by myself now, I don't feel like I'm really alone, like there are eyes out there watching me. It's creepy as all hell. I haven't told Dad because I don't want him thinking that I'm crazy or worrying about it. He's been really superstitious lately. I don't want to add any fuel to that particular fire, or he won't let me leave the house again.

I'm kind of afraid of going out into the woods by myself now. It's ridiculous. But I get this nagging feeling in the back of my mind, and I can't shake it.

.

IIiiIIiiIIiiII

.

We drove out to the Swans' again, this time so Dad could "warn" Bella. I love the guy, but sometimes he drives me nuts. Doesn't he know that this isn't the way for me to get to know her better? Being his chauffeur so he can tell her that her boyfriend's a blood sucker is not the way that I want her to notice me.

I actually spent some time in front of the mirror before we left, so I wouldn't look dumb in front of her. But we waited out in the rain and my hair must have gone back to its normal mess by then. Am I really worrying about my hair now? Damn.

As soon as she got home and let us in, Dad kicked me out of the house to "look" for some pictures of the twins that he swore were in the trunk. How stupid does he think I am? Don't answer that.

When I got back-dripping wet, of course-Bella looked all kinds of pissed and Dad did too. Then he made us leave. I didn't get to talk with her at all, and she probably thinks I'm a jerk now. Ugh.

.

IIiiIIiiIIiiII

.

I haven't been out in the woods by myself for a while now. I'm really jonesing for some alone time; the house is just too damn cramped. Not long ago, I could get myself lost in the forest, it was so quiet. I could just be myself and not worry about Dad eating right, or homework, or any brown-eyed girls. It was just me and the trees, you know?

I tried to get Embry and Paul to go back out in the Park with me, but they're "busy" now with Sam. I don't get it. Before we all thought he was such a jerk, but now the three of them are best buds or something. Yet another thing in my life that I don't like or understand.

I miss my friends. I miss my life.

.

IIiiIIiiIIiiII

.

So, I've been looking for this master cylinder for my car for months now and I can't find it anywhere. I guess most people don't keep old Rabbit parts lying around anymore.

Dad knew that I've been trying to hunt this part down and he came up to me today with an offer. He said that he would find me the cylinder, _if_ I told Bella to stay away from Cullen. I groaned. Apparently, you can't teach an old dog new tricks after all.

I said no, at first. It's been a week now, and I'm pretty certain that I've called every single damn junkyard in the state and no one has my part. I don't know how Dad's so confident that he can find it, but I really need it. Like if there's no part, there's no car. That's not cool.

Now that I'm committed to embarrassing myself in front her, I ought to look nice when I'm doing it. That's why I had to put on this dumb shirt and tie. I had to sponge the pants from Embry because all of mine were too short, again. It's bad enough having to go to a school dance, but going in borrowed pants? I might as well just kill myself now.

.

IIiiIIiiIIiiII

.

I found her in the gym. It was hard not to; I think everyone's eyes were on her, not just mine. She looked so pretty, even with the cast. Her hair's all shiny and she was really happy. And that dress she had on? Damn. I wished that she was here with me instead of him.

I didn't really want to interrupt, but I made a promise to my dad. I turn sixteen in less than a year, and I need to have my car running by then. Unless I can make this part magically appear, I'm SOL.

I can't believe that I actually stepped in on her date. God, I'm such a jerk and a terrible dancer. At least I didn't step on her broken leg. I don't think I did anyway.

She was really nice about the whole thing, which made me feel like even more of a moron. She even laughed about it a bit. Then he was there, and it got all awkward again. I don't really think he's a blood sucker, but there's definitely something off about the guy. He kind of gives me the willies. I don't understand what she sees in him.

Why couldn't she like me instead?

.

IIiiIIiiIIiiII

.

I'm not proud of this, but I was… er… well… doing stuff… to myself. Please don't make me saying anything else. After I was, you know, finished, I heard a weird noise outside. All of a sudden, I felt those creepy eyes on me again, the same ones that have been staring holes into my back these past few months. I looked out the window and saw him there in the water with a tortured look on his face.

Holy shit.

He was the one, watching me this whole time. Goddamn.

I threw my pants on and ran out the front door, but he was long gone.

I wonder if Bella knows?


	3. Nearí  Gynaíka

AN: Sorry for the extremely long wait. Mea culpa.

Huge thanks as always to nowforruin, Lulu M5, and smexy4smarties for being the amazing, fabulous awesomesauce people that they are.

.

.

.

Chapter Three: Nearí̱ Gynaíka

.

.

.

I'm not that kind of girl. You know, the one who sits around chatting with her friends—mostly because I've never had any.

I've always been different, separate.

So when I felt like I finally belonged somewhere, I knew it was too good to last.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

I'd moved in with my dad, so I wouldn't have to hear my mom and new step-dad humping like bunnies all the time. I was happy for her when she met Phil, but I really didn't want to hear just how _happy_ she was.

A girl can only take so much, and I'd reached my limit when I walked in on them one afternoon on the kitchen table, where I had eaten my breakfast that very morning. I did _not_ want to think about my mom having sex while I'm enjoying my bowl of Cheerios.

So, for my own sanity, off I went.

Charlie's cool, I guess. Besides spending a few weeks with him here and there and getting presents when he had our most recent address, I haven't really gotten to know him.

He's always tried to be a good dad; he just hasn't had much of a chance. Renée didn't really let him. I think she was afraid that I would choose him over her. At least his child support always got deposited into our account on time. I knew that wasn't true for a lot of other kids.

Living with him is kinda weird. He tries, but it's awkward, just like the half-assed hugs he's been trying to dole out to me. I think he's still surprised to see me when he comes through his front door, like he needs a moment to remember why I'm here. He lived by himself for so long. I get the feeling that I'm invading his space, so I try to stay out of his way. He's barely home; it's not too hard.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

That very first day of school, I saw him He was pretty hard to ignore. He's ridiculously pretty—unfairly so—and he doesn't even notice. He seems like the kind of kid who doesn't realize just how lucky he is, with his perfect clothes, perfect hair, perfect face. I know the type. There were a lot of guys like that back home, and they all made fun of me because I preferred a book to their chest-thumping antics. Give me Mr. Darcy any day over one of these clowns. Me not Jane.

When he scrunches up his nose like I smell bad and ignores me when I say hi, my suspicions are confirmed. He's just like them. I'm not surprised. He acts like he's too good to sit beside me, and as soon as he can, he's out the door, probably so he won't be seen walking near me.

Asshole.

But, damn, he _is_ pretty.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

Forks is pretty much exactly how I expected it to be: quiet, small, wet, green. Way, way too green. Blindingly so.

It's stifling how the trees are constantly closing in on me. I can't escape them. They're always here, and they're slowly, silently, trying to reclaim what was always theirs. I don't blame them.

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the desert. It has its own stark beauty that not everyone sees. All of the lush landscapes here with the mountains, and the clouds, and the ocean are painfully obvious. Yeah, it's pretty, so what? It's too easy.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

He hates me so much that he disappeared for a week. The rest of his family is still here, so it's not like they went on one of those group camping trips that they're famous for.

And then he's back. Unfortunately I act like a star-struck teeny-bopper, and I can't stop staring. He must have feel my eyes on him because Jessica tells me he's looking right back. I get embarrassed at being caught and try to look at anyone but him. He's the only one I want to see, so I ended up staring down my sandwich.

In class, he's all polite, pretending like I didn't repulse him at first glance.

He starts an actual conversation with me, and before I realize it, I've told him more about myself then I've told anybody, ever. It's scary.

When the bell rings, he's the first one out the door, again.

I thought I had misjudged him, but I guess not.

Whatever.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

Starting over at a new school is hard. At least I've had a lot of experience at it. I don't think I've ever been at any one school for more than two years.

We used to move around all the time. Mom would find a new job, a new boyfriend, or a new state, and off we'd go. When I was younger, it was a fun adventure, but as I got older, I became resentful of our gypsy lifestyle.

If I had made friends, they were just one more thing to leave behind. After I lost my third best friend in as many years, I had stopped trying. It was easier that way.

I learned not to speak up, not to raise my hand and to keep quiet. Hopefully that way, people would leave me alone.

Sometimes it worked; sometimes it didn't.

I've been pushed into lockers, tripped in hallways, had my books taken from me and destroyed. People suck, especially teenagers with something to prove.

Left to my own devices, I did all right. I studied a lot because I had no distractions in the form of friends, and as long as no one broadcasted my grades, I was left alone, mostly.

Mom asked me to try and make some friends here. She knows that I didn't have any in Phoenix and thinks a fresh start would be good for me.

I think she forgot just how small this place is.

The entire high school's population is half the size of my grade back home, and they've all known each other since before they were born. If I thought about it hard enough, I'm pretty certain I could name every person in all of my classes.

And since I'm the first new student at this school in years, people won't leave me alone.

I really wish they would.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

I almost died.

He saved me. I don't know how, and he won't say.

He doesn't say anything at all to me for six weeks.

Sometimes I think he should have just let me die instead.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

Phone calls with Renée can be painful. She begs to hear what I've been up to, but I don't have anything to say. At least, nothing that I think is of interest. I went to school. I came home. I read a book. That's my life, one boring day at a time.

She's my best friend by default, but I don't really want to hear all of the particulars of her exploits, which I get in detail.

She's a great friend, but not such a great parent.

I was worried when she started dating Phil. I started packing my bags in advance of yet another big move. Surprisingly, he turned out to be good for her. Despite his jock-persona, he's really a good guy, and he keeps her grounded. Something I was only able to do half the time.

And I already know how "happy" he makes her.

Ugh.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

Mike Newton is Forks.

He's plain, simple, small town easy.

And I'm so not interested.

Whereas, Edward is anything but.

I don't know what he is, whatever—wherever—he is; I want to be there too.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

Motherfucker.

He saved me, again.

I swear I'm not usually this fragile.

He's changing me.

I'm not certain I like it.

I feel weak, foolish, so much less-than when he's around.

But he also makes me feel like I'm special, loved, wanted. I've never felt like that before.

My heart beats faster; my skin hums.

And he knows it.

I repeat, motherfucker.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

I didn't want anything to happen to them, the perfect family, so I decided to sacrifice myself. I'm only human, and besides it was going to happen sooner or later.

I didn't expect them to find me. I was ready to fade away. I didn't except him to save me. I think it might have been better if he didn't. I get the feeling that maybe he feels the same way.

That hurts me more than all of the broken bones.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

Alice takes care of me after Phoenix. It makes me uncomfortable at first. Her body is perfect and mine is so flawed, so ugly, so . . . human. It's embarrassing.

No wonder he doesn't want to do more than kiss me. Why would he want me when he could have sparkly, hard, god-like perfection?

Charlie dotes on her so much it makes me a bit uncomfortable. I wonder how he'd react if he found out her true identity. I won't tell him. I'd like to have him around for a while longer.

She puts me in a dress that costs more than my first year at college will for reasons I'm unclear on. Then he comes to my door, looking amazing in a tuxedo, and I'm just me. My face is covered in make-up, and I feel like the world's most incompetent drag queen in this get-up. The cast doesn't help.

He whisks me away is his car, and, for a brief moment, I feel like a queen, the girl kind.

Is tonight the night? The night that I get to become perfect too?

Of course not.

Once again, I'm reminded of how I'm not good enough, how he doesn't want me, how I'm never going to be like him.

I'd hoped that he'd want to be with me forever, like he says he does, but this just proves to me that he's changed his mind.

I wish I was strong enough to walk away, but I'm not.

It's like I don't have a choice anymore.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

I've read my Brontës and Austens until they fell apart in my hands. I've focused on Juliet and Ophelia until all the other characters disappeared into the background. I thought I knew about love and its distant sister, obsession.

I was wrong.

He was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thought in my head when I went to bed. Even when I was asleep, he starred in all of my dreams. I was a walking, talking cliché, just like I'd been reading about for years. It took all of my concentration to focus on anything but him, and that only worked for a short while before my one-track mind went off and running again.

I loved it.

I hated it.

I wanted him to feel the same way.

He didn't.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

The summer is the best one I'd ever had. Life becomes a bizarre version of some campy teen movie. I'm thinking of calling it "Me and My Vamps." Catchy, no?

I spend as much time as I can at the Cullens'. Esme jokes that I've become her fifth kid, I'm over so much. She begins to stock the fridge with my favorite snacks, and while I still feel embarrassed and guilty that I'm the only one who ever eats them, I'm grateful for her thoughtfulness. She tries her hand at cooking some more, and it's nice to feel taken care of. While I love my mom, I was usually the one doing the care-taking with Renée.

I've been inserted into the Cullen fold, as it were. Esme looks at me with the same tenderness she uses for all of her "children," Emmett becomes the brother I never had, Alice calls me sister, and Carlisle, though he tries to hide it, becomes almost as concerned for my safety as Edward does.

I am loved and cared for in this unlikely house in the middle of the forest.

It feels like home.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

Alice and I become so close that we begin to finish each others' sentences. I have never been able to do that with anyone. I love that I finally have someone in my life who gets me. It makes me sad that it's taken so long to find her. Despite being born almost ninety years apart, we understand each other, which is more than I can say for Edward.

Edward. He remains an enigma for me. Al says that's part of his charm, and while I cannot deny that I also can't help but feel like he's holding me off. He says it's for my own good, and Al tells me to "wait it out," that eventually he'll see the light.

I don't know what to think anymore, to be honest. I feel powerless in my attachment to him, to all of them really, so I linger on, hoping that Al is right, that if I hold out just a bit longer, all will be revealed.

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

I know something's going on. He's always been distant, but after throwing myself at him all summer, he's farther away than ever.

He wouldn't let me initiate contact, unbutton my shirt or get too close to his skin. He says it's because he doesn't think he'd be able to control himself, but I don't think that's it. If he really wanted me, I'm sure he could figure something out.

He doesn't think I notice him reacting to my all-too-human behavior, but I do. I see him wrinkling his nose, rolling his eyes, becoming impatient. He's disgusted with me.

I think he's finally realized what I am, and what a horrible mistake he's made. Alice says it isn't so, but I don't think I can trust her either.

When I'm around them, I get the feeling that everyone's in on the same joke except for me.

Maybe I'm the joke?

iiiIIIiiiIIIiii

It's all over.

He's gone.

And I'm left in the forest, all alone.

If only the trees could swallow me up.

He's stripped me of everything I am.

I'm nothing without him, now.

Nothing.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

AN: Sorry for the epically long wait for this ending. If anyone is still reading this, thank you.

If you've also read _A Man of Few Words_, you might be interested to know that I've signed up to be a contributor for the Fandom for Sexual Assault Awareness fundraiser (http (:/) fandom4saa (.) wordpress (.) com). I'm offering a Charlie drabble of your very own for anyone who donates $25US or more to this very important cause. Questions? PM me.

Again, thank you so much for taking this very long trip with me. I hope you enjoyed it..

xoxo,

M


End file.
